What is marriage anyway?

What the hell is marriage about? What the hell is engagement about?

I'm sitting here an engaged mom in my 20's who just wants to give up. I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

My fiance keeps telling me things that I never believed in. How am I suppose to be happy.

Feeling super miserable in my relationship of almost 5 rocky years. They say you never know what goes on behind closed doors. They were right...

I went with my SO to California. That's not where my problems started. Mostly started when I started living there. Getting bored. Wanting to move on like I always did before. Afraid of where I was and if I could make it alone in an unfamiliar territory.

I started the normal routine of meeting guys at my job and flirting casually. I wanted to see where they could take me. How much money they could spend on me. I wanted to have some fun. My SO and I were super broke and he didn't even like being there making me feel so miserable.

I kept thinking we were making a mistake. I thought to myself, well if this is how is he when we're here I need to leave.

Then I did things with these men. Which was something I normally didn't think twice about.

For some reason I felt more guilty about it. Living with my SO I felt his love a different way. When I realized that I was being a stupid good for nothing cheater I instantly felt like a rollercoaster without brakes.

Was I suppose to keep doing this and hurt him. Or was I suppose to do this and then leave him. I was confused..

I was coming home to this man. Sleeping in the same bed. All the things I never did before. When I laid in my bed my parents had for me I felt like a blank piece of paper.

I lied to him when he found out. That was strike 2. How dare I do that! How could I do that to him. Cause I loved him? Cause I didn't want him to dump me? Cause I was scared to be kicked out with no where to go?

That was strike two in my mind. If he had left me I knew that it was justified. I deserved it.

He didn't dump me or leave me. Miraculously he still wanted to be with me.

I started to hate myself. The relationship became toxic. I felt like it was broken.

We left California. We got jobs and a place to live. I felt better. More alive. Money wasn't tight. We bought a dog together.

Time to Fuck up/drama fill it up again.

What's it about drama that moves us? Is it time? Is it fun? What about making people miserable puts me in a good mood?

I mean I really thought I loved this guy.
I decided to break up with my SO and then get back together with him just so I could lie to this guy to get him to make out with me.

PATHETIC.

I feel like a little girl.

My SO still wants to be with me... is he cheating on me too? Is he OK with it because he is flirting with others??

We get pregnant.

My little one is so beautiful. Is this real life? Did I finally make up my mind about my SO? Do I love him?

Other little things happened. But I did my best not to lie about it and tell him when I started to talk to guys. Now I have been home with my little one so I am not sure how it will be when I start working again.

However, it's a down whirled spiral because since I've been good and clean and pregnant with baby two....

I looked through my SO's phone (without his permission which I now regret) and he has been flirting with his coworkers and his ex. He didn't tell me about it..

I knew he was doing something but I didn't think it was flirting around. Especially with his ex. I know I'm a Fuck up and I did bad things.

We are on baby two though.... is our relationship going to last? I feel justified in my actions and I know saying that probably sounds disturbing but I was young. I'm going to be 25 soon. And I want to be settled down. Happy and in a healthy relationship....

I know what I want. Right now I do anyway...

Is my SO going to continue doing these things because I am "on my phone too much?"=

Are we going to get past this where I don't have to ask him if he still loves me?

When I cheated he never asked if I still loved him (I think) . he never felt worried for our relationship.(IDK if this is true) He never needs me. (My opinion)

I'm always doing wrong. I am always putting myself in these positions...

Why do I have to be in these positions? Maybe I think I'd be better off alone.

I want the cry more and more. Curl myself up in a little ball.

I sometimes feel like having kids was a terrible idea.

Why have kids with someone you cheat and lie to? What's so good about being engaged?
I personally don't believe him anymore. I just hang on because I'm selfish. I hang on cause I don't want to be alone.

I don't know how to care for myself. I'm not confident in myself. How can he love me?

Does he feel sorry for me ?

Does he know I'd be lost without him?

Last night he said if he didn't love me he'd leave me regardless of me being pregnant and having our daughter here.

Is that reassuring? Is he lying?
I honestly don't know.

I don't think I could do it. I depend on him too much. He doesn't depend on me at all. I'm nothing to him.

I'm still here.

I praise him to others and tell others I'm so lucky. When I'm just hiding behind him.
When I'm lucky thinking, wow this guy wants to be with me...

Not thinking that I'm taking advantage of him...

I'm scared. If I marry him will things change? Is marriage going to change anything? It's just a paper he says...

Does that mean our relationship will always be like this?

He doesn't want to try to be faithful? I'm trying to be faithful. I really am. He is too I think...

He said it would tear me up if he cheated on me... what does that mean? Did he think about it? Of course he did....

He hugs his coworker... he denies seeing his ex...

Is he just being spiteful to get back at me? Where can I see this relationship in 5 years???

I am so miserable right now. I can't even see past tomorrow. How am I suppose to deal with him when he gets home from work?

I can't stop my tears. I feel so dead inside.


Now I'm reflecting, how the hell does he feel?

When I talk to him casually...I bring up my exes... he gets upset.

He's my best friend and I always say the wrong things.. I don't know how to take people's feelings into consideration. How am I suppose to love him. How can I give him the love and respect he needs to talk to me....

How can I be engaged to him when I feel like we are married about to be broken apart....

I wish he was here right now. There are so many things I want to ask him.

Is he talking to those girls right now?
Is he lying about seeing them??
Is he being like me?
Is he going to hurt me like I hurt him?

I want to be alright again.

I want to have a good relationship with him again. I feel so alone in this right now.

I want him to want me.... I can't hurt him anymore. If I hate feeling this way it should be the kick I need.

I need to write these words down.

I hate myself.
I fucked up majorly.
I have no right to be happy..
He doesn't deserve this or me.
He doesn't need to make me smile.
He doesn't need to do anything to make this situation better.
I should just drop dead.
I don't deserve him.
My kids don't deserve this.
My tears won't stop falling.
My self respect is gone...


The rain outside is so gloomy it reflects my emotions. I am able to write all this while my daughter naps.

I feel really down in the dumps since this all happened yesterday.

I wish I could talk to someone about this but I am glad I could right it down. Makes me feel a little better.

I really am scared with how life is going to be with another child...  I feel like I'm going down a miserable path. I feel like I'm going to break....

Say a little prayer for me if you think I'm deserving of one....